Do you remember those MTV Unplugged specials where they would take musicians, stick em in a studio and then just give em a guitar and a microphone and tell em to do their thing. They were raw, meaningful and sometimes...kinda shocking. Cause when you take away all the glitz and glam and music videos, you might just find out that your fave musician kinda sucks after all...or that they're mean...or smoke cigarettes. Well, buckle up cause that's what I'm going to do for you right now...in house tour form. Welcome to my house...unplugged: The No Makeup Home Tour.
This whole No Makeup Home Tour shebang was put together by Kyla from House of Hipsters, one of the most brilliant and badass chicks I'm lucky enough to know. And the idea behind is this: let's pull back the curtains, btchz. We see one another's lives through the lens of social media every day. Minus my no-makeup Insta story rants (which, granted, are pretty darn plentiful), I show you snippets of my life that have been framed, filtered and fixed to look a lil something like this:
In reality, 99.999% of the time, my life more accurately looks a lil something like this:
For those of you who might be new around here, here are some quickie stats on moi: I live in a tiny 750sq ft house in Los Angeles with my husband Greg and our senior Basset Hound Gus. We rent out our even tinier guest house on Airbnb. I'm a self-taught interior designer who is lucky enough to write for HGTV annnnnnd work on the extraordinary A 1000x Better team. I know way too much about every Real Housewife from every city of the franchise, but also I could break down the Russia collusion scandal in scarily minute detail for you as well. What can I say...I'm a woman of many interests and talents.
Ok, so let's get this party started, shall we? I told Kyla it was my goal to have the most frightening of all the No Makeup pics, so in the imaginary vote of who's house is the crappiest, please vote for mine.
The first thing you might notice when you walk into our house into the living room, is that we have glossy white floors. Now I'm not gonna beat around the bush here: white floors are not for the faint of heart. If I'm being really honest, these babies need to be vacuumed at LEAST once a day and mopped once a day too. Does that happen every day? Hell's to the naw. But let's forget about the cleanliness (or non-cleanliness to be more accurate) of our floors for a mo. This picture is proof of the #1 issue that we seem to deal with in the Reitman family each and every day: MOTHER FUCKING SHOES ALL OVER THE FLOOR, EVERYWHERE, ALWAAAAAAAAAYS.
What you can't see just out of view are these two gorge ridiculously overpriced leather baskets that I have under a bench by our front door. These baskets are meant to to serve as a home for our shoes. Like, if you want to get in touch with our shoes, you should be able to send a letter to: Erica's house, ATTN: leather baskets, Los Angeles, CA. Unfortunately, our shoes rarely seem to reside there. They're like ungrateful teenagers who just got their own car for the first time and are in their last semester of high school. For some reason, these flip flops of Greg's make me more murder-y than any other pair of shoes in our house, and what a co-inky-dink: these are the shoes I normally see (READ: trip over) the most.
If you don't know much about Basset Hounds, you might not realize that these are, perhaps, the most food-motivated dogs on planet earth. I'm pretty sure Gus would sit there and happily watch Greg and I get murdered if the murderer provided him with an ample supply of salami while he was doing the deed. We adopted him a few months ago and quickly realized that he was an Olympic gold level eater. In fact he eats so damn fast, he was often immediately throwing up right after finishing his meal. Good times. So to slow this little buddy down, we were forced to purchase the ugliest dog bowl in the history of dog bowls. I usually try to hide it when people come over, but since Gus uses it 2x a day, it's kind of a pain in the ass. By the way, this is our kitchen "island"...and yes, I understand that this is a console and not an island at all. But we had so little room there, I needed something super slim. Enter my 80's inspired console.
Sidenote: remember how I was talking about the fact that it's hard to keep our white floors clean? Here's, perhaps, the #1 reason why (this is not actually Gus, but the same EXACT shake happens with our old man alllll the time):
In case you can't do the math here, this means dog drool and gunk all over the: floor, walls, furniture, and even once on the ceiling. It was fun when our first Basset Oliver did this move in the elevator of our small Brooklyn apt building and sprayed anyone unlucky enough to be standing there. And by "fun," obvs I mean devastatingly mortifying. Anyone out there want a Basset yet?
This is my "office." Greg has an actual office in our second bedroom, but I have a back corner of the living room (also known as our "dining room...small house, ppl--remember??). Not that I'm complaining. I often like to lounge when I work, so my bed makes for a perfectly suitable office for me as far as I'm concerned. But lately I've taken to working over here and, as a result, there are normally several piles of crap on our little slim dining table. In fact Greg likes to basically pile anything and everything of mine over there now, so these piles can get dangerously high. The other day I found a magazine, a jar of moisturizer, and a pack of gum in my pile. But something you can always, always, always count on in my faux office is a half drunk Starbucks venti iced Americano sitting around. Also, because I usually sit on the banquette (even though those chairs are soooo good for your back), the pillow that sits there is always smushed on one side. #oops
This is our master bedroom, which is kind of a funny joke around here, because the "master bedroom" is literally the exact same size as the second bedroom/Greg's office. We have this giant bed that I got at a Kelly Wearstler warehouse sale, and it honestly takes up the entire damn room. But I don't care cause I love this bed more than certain members of my own family. Pretty much e-v-e-r-y piece of technology that we own ends up in our bed somehow. Kindle? Check. Ipads x 2?? Yep. Headphones? Uh huh. Wait: did you mean cordless headphones or white iPhone headphones? Doesn't matter anyway, cause we've got both. Laptops? You betcha. Basically anything that can radiate your brain is sitting ground zero in our bed right at this very second. #oops again.
Now why don't we take a gander outside. Our house is set-up in a super cool compound-y type way. So we have a front gate, and once you come through the front gate, you walk to the back of our property and that's where our "front door" is. But no one can get to the front door unless we let them in at the gate. So we often get to keep our front door wide open, which totally makes the house feel super indoor/outdoor. Especially when all the bugs fly in cause I refuse to get a screen door because I think they're all so ugly. Anyhoo..
This is an outdoor hang area we have off to the right of our front door. Why is the coffee table all askance? Unclear. How could I have left that plant in it's dumb Home depot plastic pot? That is not a question I can comfortably answer right now. Why is our ugly brown hose just sitting there for anyone and everyone to trip on? Is this my idea of a properly styled outdoor sofa? JAYSUS, YOU PEOPLE ARE ASKING A LOT OF QUESTIONS HERE.
Here's the view as you come in the front door of our house. The kitchen is straight ahead, the living room is to your right, and my office/dining room is in the back right corner. Wait, and there are the leather baskets! And how weird!! Someone's shoes are not in them! That almost *never* happens! #oppositeday
Ok, now I actually saved the best for last. The thing is, when you live in a tiny house like we do you always have a couple of things going on: 1. There is barely any room to put shit and so 2. Your shit is usually all over the place. I am actually trying really hard to work on this this year! And I mean REAL hard. I've purged a ton of stuff, ditched all my boho crap, and have really tried to streamline our space.
And yet, our kitchen counters still usually look something like this:
In case you were wondering: yes, those are two rotten avocados in that bowl, and one probably rotten lemon...sitting next to a jar of dog treats...which is next to a speaker that one of our Airbnb guests accidentally left...next to a piece of mail that 100% should be in the garbage (which is 2 feet away)...next to a red solo cup (cause that's how we roll around here)...next to my giant ugly purple pill box...in front of our penguin soda stream (I'm obsessed!)...some Simple Green cleaner spray, some Mrs. Meyers mint all purpose spray (my fave new scent, by the way)...annnnnnnnd some hand sanitizer. Phew! And this is just one corner of our kitchen, folks. Also, it's hard to see, but our quartz countertop has sparkles in it. And I hate it with the fire of a thousand hot burning suns. The shitty flippers who did our house put it in, and it srsly makes me want to punch a puppy directly in it's face every time I see it. I call them My Little Pony counters cause of all of the sparkly, sparkled up sparkliness. Barf.
Ok, ppl...that's it! You are officially dunzo! You've now seen practically every corner of our house unplugged. Mazel Tov!
But my guess is you're still rarin' to go for more. And that works out perfectly cause this No Make Up Home Tour thing is blowin up! Check out the #nomakeuphometour hashtag on Insta. And here are all the other amazing bloggers who are also giving tours of their own non made-up joints. You should check out every single one of em:
House of Hipsters | House of Brinson | Megan Pflug | Making it Lovely | Bigger Than The Three of Us | The Makerista | Brittany Makes | City Sage | Oleander & Palm | Anita Yokota | Room for Tuesday | Copy Cat Chic | Francois et Moi | Yellow Brick Home | Centered by Design
**FYIzers: this post contains affiliate links. You don't get charged any more for anything you decide to purchase, and I get to make a buck or two on the whole shebang. Win/win, right?